How dirty can I be?
Like can I say, “Fuck you!”?
OK, Just checking…
As Dirty As I Wanna Be?
I talk like this everyday.
Fuck that shit.
Fuck it.
Fuck you.
And fuck me too.
Fucking shit Fucker. Shit!
Ever since I was a young girl, I thought,
“What’s the big fucking deal?”
Would you like to fuck?
Have we already fucked?
If you don’t want to fuck me, you’re off my list.
If I don’t want to fuck you, you’re off my list.
If I have fucked you, you’re off my list.
Anyway you slice it, you’re fucked.
Fuck you too!
Fuck.
You may find this hard to believe, but I used to be a school marm. When I started the job, the principal offered me the choice of kindergarten or junior high. Without skipping a beat, I chose the 13 and 14 year olds. At least they can wipe their own noses… and asses, I might add.
On the first day of school I’m like all dressed up, the kids are excited.
“Sit down and shut the fuck up,” I say without saying it.
“Do your fucking work! Mother fucker!”
“Go ahead give me your best Elvis impression. I like sneering.”
“Do you want to wear my ring around your neck or just one quick punch in the forehead?”
Of course, I rarely said, “Fuck” in the classroom. That’s not to say that I never said it, but it was always implied.
“I don’t want to hit you. I don’t want to hurt my hand. But I am expected by the State of California to teach you mother fuckers a thing about math and history.”
I was the perfect person for the job: half hippie, half hay seed. Hell, the interview team had just smoked a fatty before calling me in. The principal asked, “What is the significance of nature to the Native Americans?”
“Well, it was their fucking religion,” I say being sure not to say “fucking.” Man, they were ripped.
I had a degree and a credential, and I knew the answer to the question they had given.
“You’re hired!” They both said after being appropriately impressed.
I fit right in. I could cuss like a sailor. I was in favor of Second Amendment rights and legalizing weed. I seriously loved those fucking kids. Fuck them all everyone. Fuckers.
(First published 1/17/13)
