It was a mistake to think that fag hags don’t get laid… they get plenty! Kristie got a job at the local gay bar where she was able to combine drinking, dancing, and seducing some of the more desirable straight guys on the down low – bisexuals who wandered in… Kristie had some of her best experiences with gorgeous guys who just wanted to talk… heh, heh. After a pleasant night of conversation, drinks, and dancing, they might find themselves wrapped in her arms instead of the onslaught of cocksuckers and the occasional succubus at the bar.
Alice’s was on the edge of town in the unincorporated area. Her house was next to the bar on the same piece of land surrounded by the industrial warehouse district. That area rarely ever saw any action except for the loading and unloading of trucks during the day. But at night that little non-descript green stucco building surrounded by a gravel parking lot with no landscaping turned into a Vegas night club!
The inside of the bar was somehow magical. There was a large stage at one end with a small bathroom and dressing room. A burgundy velvety drape with gold tassels hung as a backdrop to the stage and provided the dramatic flare needed to frame the weekly drag shows.
There was a pool table off to one side, a dance floor, and a jukebox with all the latest danceable music as well as some nostalgic swing era tunes. One of Kristie’s favorites was Someday He’ll Come Along…The Man I Love... sung by a full voiced baritone!
The bar was the main feature – U-shaped almost the full length of the building with restrooms both male and female at the end on either side. The bartenders (two on busy nights) were locked in the middle. Kristie liked to sit at one end where she could see everyone who walked in. This was also a less traveled area of the bar since it was next to the women’s restroom which was always spotlessly clean and almost never used except by her, Mother Teddy who insisted she was a woman, and one other real woman who came in as the dance partner of a professional ball room team.
Once very glamorous, Alice was now a 300 pound retired show girl whose husband bought the place for her a few years before his death. Alice didn’t have much to do with the day to day running of the bar. She kept the books and wrote the checks, but her bartenders did all the work. They picked up the money bag filled with $150 of change and returned it each night with over $1,000. It was enough to keep the old broad going.
Alice slept during most of the day and stayed up watching bad TV until 3:00 AM to double count the til. She did show up to MC the weekly drag shows. She wore full make up with a wig, false eyelashes, and an elaborate sparkly gown. She sang one or two of the old tear jerkers and introduced the acts…
- Mother Teddy giving birth to a stuffed bear, a Ken doll, and a cocktail glass with two queens dressed in nurse’s garb all done to a Martin Denny recording,.
- Three queens dressed like the Supreme’s lip sync to Diana Ross.
- The Lovely Roberta with long blond hair singing a Judy Garland number….
Kristie spent a lot of time at drag shows being the shoulder for the queens to cry on and helping out back stage with costumes and make up. She was the quintessential drag hag and guys sought her out to get hook ups or to act as their beard at the local rest stop or various social events, like family gatherings where they needed a “date.”
Mother Teddy was the head bartender at Alice’s Bar. He was a huge black fairy of a man who loved doing drag and had a fetish for older graying gentlemen. His house was Party Central – a modest one bedroom that sat at the back of the apartment court. Everyone hung out there after the bar closed on nights when no one had enough and everyone wanted more.
Lady Roberta was another queen who really was the star of all the drag shows. She was slight of build with thinning blond hair and the most enormous cock. (Queens have the largest cocks, it’s well known. But how could she tuck that thing?) Roberta could imitate all the great female drag show stoppers, like; Judy, Cher, and Barbra. Kristie got to where she was able to tell the exact moment when Roberta would rip off her wig, smear her make up, and begin crying, and writhing on the floor to elicit a standing ovation. It happened every time!
One night Kristie had been very ill with a high temperature. She didn’t go to the bar and spent the whole evening in Mother Teddy’s bed sleeping. About 3:00 AM she got up to use the bathroom and get some water. Stumbling out into the main part of the house fevered and dehydrated, she saw something she had never even imagined in all her wildest dreams or fantasies.
Here and there in every nook and cranny about the house in various pairs or trios were all the guys she knew from the bar hooked up in various positions. One guy was hunched over the back of the sofa while a line of guys were waiting their turn. Someone else was sitting in the recliner getting head by another guy on his knees while French kissing someone else with their fist… yes, she said fist, up someone’s caboose. Amazing!
In the darkened corner of the kitchen Mother Teddy and Lady Roberta were on their knees on the floor kissing and jerking each other off. What made the whole event surrealistic was not just that Kristie had a fever and was somewhat delirious, but that all the queens still had remnants of their make up on streaking their faces with odd grimaces… not to mention their huge enormous erect penises! Really BIG!
Kristie kept her eyes half-closed, poured herself a glass of water, and went back to bed. The next day when they asked her how she felt, she replied, “Better… and I didn’t see a thing!”
(First published 11/3/11)
