She used to cry every time she heard, “I’ll Be Home for Christmas.” Her son was in the Navy keeping the peace between China and Taiwan. The Indy, (USS Independence) was a sitting duck between the two as China lobbed its, “We are testing explosions,” within striking distance.
“Kill anything that looks like it’s going to land,” the squabs received their orders.
It was a terrifying time for her as a mother, but nothing compared to the searing ache she felt now. She had to force him out of her heart everyday or end up in a puddle of tears in the dark of her solitary rooms.
She doesn’t like to be around people who hurt her, so she usually avoids contact with them. But what do you do when one of the people who continually hurts you is family – like your father or your son? Then what can you do?
When a birthday or holiday approaches she is plagued with love, fear, and longing. Longing for a normal relationship where he isn’t drunk and berating her. Longing for acceptance and love. Longing for the comfort of old faces, familiar jokes, and foods that have been part of traditional celebrations for generations.
I carried you until you got too heavy. Your sister carried you at times when you were needy. Your father carried you at my urging, insisting that you should walk by yourself because you are a man, not my baby… Now you must carry yourself…
“Can’t we just have a do over?” she prayed to any god that would listen. It’s strange how desperate longing for someone places them in a seat of honor.
‘We’re family now,” several people said, but these people were not of her class, not of her ilk, not of her education… nice enough to have a drink with at the bar, but seriously what would they talk about?
The last time she brought up the Mongols as a cultural reference, the old man, drunk as usual, thought she was talking about a motor cycle gang, not Ghengis Khan. There was definitely a disconnect.
Deprived of her son’s company, she pines for him everyday.
Holy Mary, Mother of God at Lourdes,
Please hear my prayer.
I pray for forgiveness and reconciliation.
Please, Blessed Goddess, help me as a fellow woman.
Mother Mary, Goddess Devine,
I pray for peace and love in our family.
Amen
(First published 7/30/13)
