Go ahead, Flip Me Off. I’m so used to it, I don’t even flinch. It’s like, “Oh, hi.” I wave at whoever as if they have waved and said, “Hello.” I keep driving.
“Fuck you!” he says and flips me off.
“I hate you!” she says and at the time I know she means it.
“Well, I love you!” I say without anger or malice. It’s always good to look on the bright side.
I wake the kids for an early morning field trip up the mountain to the volcano. “Fuck you!” daughter says as she plunges her head back under the covers. Son, peeks his head out and then smiles and flips me off.
“Good morning, darlings.” I sing ignoring their challenge.
All day long the teens complain and are recalcitrant. There are many photos of each of them flipping off everyone and everything including Pele herself which is worrisome. I do not deny the power of the goddess. There is evidence everywhere of her anger and violence.
There is a large sign that warns, “Do not go past this point!” Of course, there is a photo opportunity of sonny flipping off the sign. Girl heads back to the car to cool her heels. She has a blister from her new sandals, she is sunburned, has just started her period, and has been stung by a jelly fish. She doesn’t even have to say it, “Fuck you!” is written all over her face.
My god! We are on a luxury vacation at the beach! You have a new dress, a new bathing suit, new sandals, and money in your pocket.
Back at the hotel the kids want to go exploring. Only one rule, “Stay together! Son, stay with your sister. Daughter, stay with your brother. One rule, get it? Stay together on the hotel property. Play video games, eat at Mickey D’s. Have fun, but stay together.”
Half an hour later, there is a knock on the door. “Mom, sister won’t stay with me,” the boy whines. “She’s out chasing boys in cars… Hey, what are you doing in there?”
Mom and dad had been trying to get a few minutes to strap it on. Hell, they weren’t dead yet, and there was still plenty of fodder for the fire. “Why aren’t you with your sister?” I ask through the door. The mood is ruined now anyway and she is worried about the stupid girl who is living inside her daughter’s body.
Thankfully nature has planned for just such a situation by making adolescent girls dorky with braces and a bad complexion. Luckily, boys with cars are usually looking for a more mature woman – like seventeen, not thirteen!
It is the assertive age. The teen years. As a teacher who has to deal with “attitude” everyday, I rarely cuss at school, but at home I am a mother fucker! It somehow makes me feel better to rip off a series of, “Fuck this! Fuck that! Fuck it all! God damned son of a bitch shit ass mother fucker! Why are you not with your sister?”
I throw on a wrap and open the door. “Son, you need to go find your sister and tell her to get back here right now,” I say calmly, but I am worried.
Several minutes later there is another knock and both kids are there. The girl is carrying her new sandals in her hands and she has on her new sundress. Someday she is going to be a great beauty, but thankfully she is in the ugly duckling stage now. It offers some protection from predators.
I throw open the door and say, “Fuck you both!” and then I flip myself off holding my hand up against my forehead like a lame-o dork. We all laugh and we all head out to walk the avenue to see the sights. Sailors, prostitutes, Japanese tourists, Hare Krishnas, and a group of guitar playing Christians all mixed together in the tropics.
A car load of impatient youths wanting to turn right as we enter the cross walk flips us off as we meander. They rev their engine and gun it as they flip us off in unison, “Fuck you!” they yell out as they give the one finger salute.
“Hi!” we all wave as they make the turn and burn rubber in our path. We’re all just one happy family, “Fuck you too!” We all laugh and return the greeting. Flip me off!
(First published 9/24/12)
