“Somebody’s shitting on my lawn.”
“Really?”
“Yes, really.”
“So, it’s human?”
“Most definitely.”
She thinks it’s one of her students trying to establish his identity. He thinks it is the new neighbor (that fucker, Mike) who is rumored to be doing it to everyone who has a lawn, but even the guy with the rock garden on the corner got hit.
“Halloo!” she sings out to him one morning as she is watering a few plants.
“I hate people,” Fuckin’ Mike says with a growl.
“Oh! Ho! Ho!” she laughs, “You’re so funny! Isn’t it a beautiful day?”
“Fuck you!” he says slamming his door.
This doesn’t deter her. She makes a batch of cookies and delivers some to him.
“I hate you,” he says. He takes the plate of cookies and scowls, but this time he just closes the door gently which is an improvement. She thought she might be able to loosen him up over time, but in the end, he would shit on her lawn too.
She could see him in his wife beater, pajama bottoms, and slippers using his robe as a jacket… out wandering the pathways late at night like a stray dog looking for a place to go. Tonight it was her turn.
He crept up to the middle of the lawn, stuck his hand down the front of his pajamas, pulled out his dick and waggled it at her as if he could see through the walls where she watched him silently in the dark.
He took a big long piss, farted, and turned around revealing his skinny white ass. He left his deposit, pulled up his pants, scuffling his feet as he returned home.
“Shit. I guess it’s true.”
“Most definitely.”
“Fuckin’ Mike.”
(First published 11/28/11)
