…and Gah said, “Look at all this fuckin’ space! I’ve got to create something… because I’m bored and I need something to do. I need planets and galaxies and other creations to amuse myself.”
Gah made all the colors in the universe. Every idea, animal, plant, and object was put in place for their amusement. Then Gah got this idea to let things permeate and mutate over time. Time means nothing to Gah. They can wait for a long, long time.
Gah invented mating behaviors. They give all living things drives and desires. They enjoy watching the ways in which various life forms satisfy these: a sleeping puppy, a snake eating a rat, a cooing baby… oh, and that sex part was a very good invention indeed.
Gah says, “I know! I’ll invent this special button that when they press it, they will want to keep pressing it! I’ll make them so that they keep wanting to press that button! They will be so irrational with joy that all they want to do is keep pressing that button … until they almost die!”
“Oh no,” Gah is thinking, “I’ve got to modify that. It’ll kill them all, and that’s not good… I think I should instill certain thoughts to control their behavior around that button, like:
- There should be an age requirement (I’ll invent puberty for that one! Stinky feet, bad breath, pustules of pimples, white heads, black heads, monthly bleeding, spontaneous ejaculation, and a bad attitude ought to do the trick…) Gah smiles.
- Humans should be married, various cultural rules just for fun. Animals can enjoy themselves at will. Humans are animals. (Gah argues with themself) Oh yeah, well… marriage will temper at least some of their behaviors.
- They will be punished. I will tell them that they will Go to Hell…! if they don’t follow these rules. That will be fun to watch too. They’ll be like all worried and praying to Me…
- There will be social rules too, like: Humans who break the rules may be stoned, pillaged, or killed… or they could get an STD! Oh boy! That will be a fun one! Ha! STD’s will dampen their spirits some!
But they will still want to keep pushing that button. Pregnancy and old age will be the only solution… and even then, that button will want to be pushed! How long will they keep wanting to push that button? “Until about five minutes after they die,” Gah said.
(First published 4/11/13)
