Seriously. I have a fool-proof method for determining who I will vote for during this presidential election. Would I sleep with them?
Let’s take a look at all the candidates:
Jeb Bush: I like the guy. I would trust him to be a gentleman. So, yes.
Carson: He’s like false advertising. He’s like a white guy in a black body. Something doesn’t ring true here. No.
Chris Christie? Wow! All that meat and no potatoes. I’ll get on top. Will the length of the nob reach beyond the belly sack? Still wouldn’t vote for him…. Don’t keep me waiting on the bridge like that motherfucker.
Ted Cruz Ha! Ha! Ha! No.
Carly Fiorina Surprise! I kinda like her. She is articulate. I don’t really like what she says, but maybe if I talked to her sweet? Probably not.
And here is the point where that little ditty from one of my favorite Mel Brooks movies when Madeline Kahn kicks in (Sing this part):
“Yes, No, no, no, no, no, no, yes….
No, no, no, no, no, no, yes
No, no, yes, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, yes!
No, no, no, yes, no, no, no, yes!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no…
Wait a minute…
Yes!!!
Ole!”
Gilmore: No
Graham: No
Huckabee: Maybe yes, but No.
Jindal: He is cute. Try him out first, then no.
Kasich: Pause. Hey. I like this guy! I wouldn’t soil him with my degrading humor. He is a real person. I love him actually.
Pataki: No, No, No…
Rand Paul: Hmmm? No.
Rick Perry: Just once for fun. He is kinda cute. Then, Not again!
Marco Rubio: I would probably kill the guy if I got on top. He would be like playing paddle ball if he was on top. Fun to play with, but no. He IS Latin, You know …and you know what they like to eat? Pussy!
Santorum: Do you know what his name means? Yuck! NO!
Scott Walker: Not really. I’m tired already.
Bernie? Oh yes, I would polish his knob. He’s a cool dude. So, I would vote for him.
A friend asks, “So I assume then you wouldn’t vote for Hillary?”
“Of course I would! I am 3% Lesbian, you know.”
“3%?”
“Based on the number of men I’ve slept with compared to the women, I am 3% lesbian. So, I would definitely vote for Her!”
My friend is still perplexed, so I go a bit further. Look, back in the day, all my friends were gay. I was like the only straight person. Me and one other guy were like, “Maybe we’re gay too?” I don’t know of he tried it, but I did. I like women. They’re soft. They have boobs. They smell good… But when it comes right down to the deed, I like to have a man.
Sex aside, we’re talking politics here.
“So what about Trump?” my friend asks.
“Oh, Hell, NO! I wouldn’t sleep with him! He is disgusting! First of all he’s got a big pot belly and tiny hands… and we all know what that means. Small dick. He’s the kind of guy who would take you out. It would be a nice date. Dinner and a show. Then he would put his moves on you. Even if you did him real good, sucked his dick, tea bagged him, and swallowed…. He would tell all of his friends the next day, “She is a pig… disgusting… never again!” (You can just see his lips pucker up to say it!) NEVER TRUMP!
But Hills is a nice sweet, hard working woman who deserves it! I would vote for HER!
(lick, lick…)
(First published 8/18/16)
