The first time Kristie saw Teddy Theodore Theadora Mother was at a drag show in a small men’s bar on the other side of town. The local gurls and regulars had planned and rehearsed this fun free for all. They built a stage, assembled props, costumes, and make up for the Drag Extravaganza.
Kristie had a front row seat at the bar. The first number was Roberta doing a Judy Garland number in a sequinned blue gown with a blond wig and lots of garish make-up. Then another queen got up and pranced through a Diana Ross number in a big Afro wig. There were some jokes by the mistress of ceremonies, a queen dressed up in Joel Grey drag with a men’s tuxedo coat, some little tap pants, and a halter top with a pair of fierce red platform heels.
Then came Teddy. A three hundred pound black man with a very large belly. He was wearing a hospital gown along with his drag face and false eyelashes. The other girls had changed into nurses outfits to attend Mother while she was giving birth.
The song she was acting on was filled with lots of moaning and groaning. (Jungle Fever by The Chakachas) “Aye…Aye…Ayee…” the singer calls out in a breathy voice. Each time she runs the hook, Mother delivers another object.
The whole bar was holding their sides laughing while Teddy groaned with feigned agony. She delivered a small white naked baby doll with curly brown hair… Tiny Tears! And then the nurses proceeded to pull an assortment of stuffed animals out of her cootch; a purple giraffe, a blue teddy bear, a gray elephant… a plastic Christmas garland, a pink flamingo, and a large cocktail glass! It was hilarious!
From then on Teddy was known as “Mother.” He began to act out the role he was destined for, “Listen to your mother. What did Mother tell you?” … and so on. This was the beginning of a drag phase that led to the opening of another bar across town which featured drag shows in a more upscale environment to include an audience of straights as well as gays. They went to drag shows all summer.
Teddy loved old men. He was queer for them! He thought Kristie’s father was a real dish. “Oh Honey, I just love your faatha…” he would say in his southern drawl. He wasn’t from the south; he was from LA, but he could muster up a true sounding southern affect. He was an actress after all!
So, one afternoon they were all sitting around Teddy’s house – a small one bedroom cottage in the older part of town. It had a nice yard and sometimes they would sit outside in the garden if it wasn’t too hot. Teddy always left the door unlocked, so a bunch of them all walked in thinking he wasn’t home. Usually he would come bounding out to greet whoever approached.
They sat in the garden for awhile waiting. It was very quiet and pleasant. Kristie had to use the bathroom which was through the bedroom. She didn’t think anything about bursting through the door since she didn’t think Teddy was home.
Oh my GOD! There he was in all his naked brown splendor with an old man spread between his legs! The older man was slender with grey hair and a thin mustache. Kristie could see his wrinkled body being held firmly in place by Teddy’s weight. The old man gave her a side ways glance.
Kristie thought for sure at that moment he probably wanted to take a big huge shit since Teddy’s ten inch cock was fully engorged up the old man’s ass! “Excuse me… sorry…” she whispered and backed out to take a squat outside in the garden.
Everyone wanted to know, “Who was on top? What position were they in? How were his legs positioned?”
“The old man was on his back and Teddy was on his knees holding the old man’s legs up in the air,” Kristie answered.
“Oh Mary!” Roberta exclaimed “I always knew Mother was butch!”
They all laughed a long time about it! In a little while the old man snuck out the back door and Teddy came out proclaiming enthusiastically, “I really got fucked good that time!”
Later he confided to Kristie, “I really don’t like being butch all the time, but once they see the size of my pussy, they always want me to pitch.”
“Ain’t it hard to be a woman?” Kristie questioned the universe.
(First published 7/25/12)
